When Good Clothes Go Bad

The trouble with tights? They just don’t do what they’re supposed to. In my experience, those sheer little suckers snag, run, get all ‘static-y’ on you, they fall down or strangle you round the middle or whatever, however, somehow, they – just – don’t – fit!! And you know what? If you DO manage to find the miracle pair that avoid all the above pitfalls, by the time you realize they’re the dream pair, you’ve long since chucked out the packaging and for the life of you, you won’t remember what brand they were, what size you bought or even, sometimes, the exact colour they were … because the people who make these female torture items don’t stick any freakin branding in them. No. I know we all hate having tags and most of us cut them off, but come on, a hint or two would be good!!

Now I recently did a little ‘research’ (i.e. I asked some people) for a presentation I had to do at work. And these are some of the things women said:

“Sometimes they’re great; other times all you have to do is breath in and they shred.”

She’s not wrong. Breathing, let alone pulling them up just a little too roughly when you’re in a hurry!

“They always slip down so you have a crotch midway to your knees. To remedy this I wear a pair of knickers over the top of my tights as well as underneath, which makes me feel like I’m wearing a nappy!”

Now this is a brave woman. Not only for admitting it in public, but I don’t know many women who would be brave enough to wear three layers over her butt and that’s without counting the skirt.

“And what about the nice shiny stockings that make whispery noises when you walk. Or am I the only one with fat thighs?”

Um no, you’re not the only one. I too have heard the whisper.

“Sometimes you can pull them up high and help keep some of the belly in – all good until the moment when it’s most inconvenient they roll down and make the sticky-out bit of your stomach look worse.”

Ha ha ha, oh she’s so on the button!!

“That if I’m wearing a singlet, they appear to repel each other – singlet goes up, tights go down.”

Ah, such wisdom … and that’s where the tummies like to peek out off. Eeeeuuuuuw!!

Now, when you think of all the other uses to which a plain pair of tights can be put, you wonder why the manufacturers haven’t hooked into the fact that tights don’t actually make very good tights. But they do make very good ... 

• burglar masks;
• fan belt replacements;
• paint strainers;
• shoe polishers;
• ties for keeping trees tied to stakes;
• pin cushions (put stuffing into a yoghurt container, stretch some pantyhose over the top – whippee … pin cushion!);
• exfoliators (put a cup of oatmeal into the toe of a pair of pantyhose, tie it off, put it in your bath … the oatmilk comes out – full of vitamin E or something great for your skin [if you don’t mind smelling vaguely porridge like] and the hose is mildly exfoliating!);
• I have it on good authority that kava is strained through it in Fiji;
• and I have it on other good authority that they make darn fine pool filters.

Frankly, if I was in the employ of some pantyhose maker, I’d be ditching the ‘leg-covering’ market and going for the ‘wonder-product, can do anything; incredibly strong, yet amazingly soft’ market. And if my employer wouldn’t buy into that, I’d at least force them to add some teeny tiny piece of branding. Hear that, pantyhose makers? Put a damn clue in the things!